Steeped.

That's me--totally steeped in motherhood.  I don't think you can have an infant and not be completely absorbed in the world of parenting.  I didn't feel "in it" to this degree when I was working--there simply wasn't enough time.

Now I spend most of my days googling things like cloth diapering (more on that later!), "milk teeth", and pork byproducts in infant formula (more on that later, too!).  Okay, so that's what I googled today, but you get the picture.  I think about (but don't usually) making plans with other moms with kids that are either one of my kids' ages, comment on Facebook posts by those same types of moms, join The Mom Challenge, and nurse and nurse and nurse.

With Elena, I had such mixed emotions about the end of my maternity leave.  Our postpartum family bonding was so wonderful.  Josh and I both had cushy years--Josh was a chief resident (think mostly admin with little clinical responsibility--an actual 9-5 job!) and I was in my integrative fellowship year (with a M-W structured time schedule--I did stuff the other time, but at my own pace).  Josh was home for FOUR weeks.  Four!!  And none of it was vacation time, leaving those four precious weeks of vacation untouched.  Four weeks of adjusting as a family, reading the Twilight series (Josh skimmed the last two books, I bagged out mid-way through the second one), snuggling and napping and mastering the baby swaddle.  It was great.  And the book that played such a role in savoring that time was Aviva Romm's Natural Health after Birth--if you know someone who is pregnant and even a teensy bit crunchy, this book makes a GREAT shower gift.

I'm rereading the book this time, but it's not the same.  The magic is just not the same this time around.  Josh had two weeks off, one of which was Elena's vacation week.  (BOTH weeks had to be counted as two of his four vacation weeks this year.)  We were busy busy busy that week, trying to fill the time and Elena's energy/exploration needs for the day.  I feel like I've been sleep deprived since... maybe 2002 when I started med school?  Late night studying, 30 hour calls, working 2 weeks straight without a day off, being on pager for 3 months at a time for pregnant patients--all of these things did not prepare me for being a mom and the sleep deprivation that comes with it.  In fact, it probably put me at a disadvantage for coping with Elena's persistent nighttime wakenings (she still wakes up nightly at age 2, though now she falls back to sleep with Josh easily in her own bed).

My point in bringing up the sleep deprivation thing is to say that when you are chronically sleep deprived and working long hours, your priorities shift... or stay the same, in my case.  I've never been neat around the house, and I've never liked cleaning even a fraction of how my sister feels about it.  That has remained the same.  Tomorrow is another day for doing things that need to be done, and the day after that, and the day after that... We've been living in shifting stacks of medical journals, unopened mail (including bills!), opened and sorted mail, things to put in Elena's baby books, a few patient lists that came home with us, etc.  I've finally made some good progress with de-crapping the house, and the piles are starting to disappear.  The trouble is that my to-do list has also disappeared.  *Sigh*  That list plus some coffee in the morning made me a super-charged mommy!  Of course, I'd spend the next day in bed until 11 or 12 in the afternoon, but isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing with my maternity leave?

The change in character of this postpartum experience is not unexpected or shocking in any way given that Elena is an active 2 year old.  I guess what is still the same is the presence of feeling guilty.

Guilt is a part of being a mother.  That's what I've read in Camille Perl and Kate Moses' books Because I Said So and Mothers Who Think that offer a variety of issues over which to be guilt-ridden.  That's the whole point of The Mom Challenge on Facebook which challenges moms to do something of the creators' choosing (crap, I was supposed to take a bubble bath or something tonight!) for themselves daily.  That was a heavily discussed subject during a recent panel discussion about child care on NPR's All Things Considered.

Last time, I felt guilty about going back to work so early (6 weeks), despite the fact that any additional time would have to have been unpaid.  We managed piecemeal coverage until Elena was 4 months old, which eased my guilt a bit, but kept me up at night trying to keep the schedule straight and creating more guilt in asking our families for help.  Watching Elena thrive at her school makes me happy, and hearing about the purported value of preschool makes me wonder if we're getting some added benefit to all the socialization she's been exposed to since starting there.

This time I am feeling like I can't spend enough time with either child without compromising one or both of their mommy-time needs, or without compromising my own mommy-time needs.  Since making the realization that I am selfish (if my own needs--which are many!--aren't met then I am not a good mommy or wife), I've really tried to prioritize my interests more.  My brief but intense foray into Angry Birds caused me guilt in not being more present while nursing Nina, but really, what else are you going to do when your sleeping child isn't yet finished at the breast and you're all caught up on Facebook posts, email, bills/bank accounts and The Weather Channel?  I did delete the app (which Josh downloaded!!) after being so obsessed with trying to beat a level that Elena whined, "Turn it off, Mommy, turn it off!"  Yikes.  Talk about guilt!

Also, if you've ever had kids or cared for them at length, you may have had fleeting to full-fledged feelings of guilt about waste.  Living in the desert I think has made me more aware of the imbalance of things that are scarce and the abundance of waste that we create.  So I'm using the disposable diapers that we had leftover from Elena (I bought in major bulk!), but today I started using cloth prefolds with Thirsty covers for Nina.  (Thank you, Tiffany!!!)  I've bought additional Medela storage bottles to increase my non-bag capacity during work pumping sessions (I was using about a bag to two bags daily since I only had three bottles... so that's about 4 days a week average x 1.5 bags average x 40 weeks Elena's first year = 240 little plastic bags...wasted!).  But now I'm wrought with guilt over the fact that we bought the Playtex Drop-Ins for Elena, and they waste a sleeve with every bottle (4 bottles per day x 4 days a week x 40 weeks = 640 sleeves!).  I was so tired and researched-out when making that decision that I just went with what one of our acquaintances was using.  Hell, I even feel guilty for posting a link to the website!

So I'm just trying to let it go.  All of it.  Things like Angry Birds help, but they generally create a numb covering up as opposed to really just letting it go.  Or it creates the mental space to make up really ridiculous scenarios in my own head, which isn't constructive either.  Good thing I deleted the app.

Really, I am enjoying my time off with Nina, and on a day-to-day basis I don't feel horribly guilty about any one thing.  But I know that there are a lot of FWKs (friends with kids), expectant moms, wishing-for-babies moms, not-yet moms, and never! moms out there who read my blog.  And I will tell you that you are not alone in these feelings of guilt.  But they don't have to suck the joy out of your experience.  It's all in the 'tude.  Guess now I need to take my own advice and restore a bit more magic to this postpartum experience!