The past month has caught up with me. I was in a not-so-great place this morning, which is not surprising since the past few nights and early mornings I've noticed that it's been harder and harder to open my eyes when waking. The sensation of exhaustion precluding the opening of the eyes is simply awful since we have little trouble keeping our eyes open all day, necessary blinking excluded.
My parents are here, and fixing up "the playhouse". Or, rather, my dad is fixing up the playhouse while my mother plays house with the girls. I called Elena's school yesterday to let them know she wouldn't be in, and checked with my mom as I was dialing. "No," she said matter-of-factly, "She's not going to go at all this week." My mom wants to maximize time with the girls, which is understandable given the distance that usually separates us. And then I realized that Elena would be out of school for two weeks total as we'll be heading east for Neil's wedding soon. Between the intense face to face time (sometime literally as Elena loves to make everyone else's face into a "dancing face" by squeezing their lips or tugging at their cheeks) and wanting Elena to get used to her new classroom, we decided she should go tomorrow.
Back to me. So I was in a rough place this morning, and maybe even yesterday morning as I called my mom before 8 am both days to find out when the HELL she'd be at my house to entertain Elena. I'd like to think that if I didn't have her lined up to come over that I could better mentally prepare myself to spend time with Elena while caring for Nina, but that anticipation of having help makes the time creep by really slowly as my sense of desperation grows.
Mom got here, made me breakfast as I nursed Nina, and then I laid down with Nina for a mini-snooze. Elena took her place around 11:30, and nursed and napped with me until it was time to switch again. Honestly, from 6/6:30 am when Nina woke until I scrambled out of the house just before 1 pm, I felt like there was one child or another attached to my breast. And if they weren't attached to the breast, they were attached to me. I was able to brush my teeth before leaving the house, but didn't get to shower or even wash my face since I thought sleep was best for me given my growing headache and grumpy attitude.
I walked into the same salon that I visited last week--I had left there with sleek and shiny hair and a face that I had made up in the parking lot before my appointment. Today I hurried in 6 minutes late with a snarly pony tail and day-old makeup half-rubbed off my face for a pedicure (yay for unused birthday gifts!). I almost grumbled to myself about the fact that this self-care was annoying and causing me stress since I can never be anywhere on time anymore, and then told myself that it's just like speeding and cursing out other drivers on the way to yoga. A little counterproductive, and certainly unnecessary. So I let my harried appearance go, and didn't even feel obliged to explain myself or my lateness. I stepped out of my light pink comfort zone and got a sparkly dark gray painted on my toes. It looks fabulous. Elena didn't notice them until later tonight when she asked me, "What doing, Mommy? What toes?" That is code for "What are you doing, Mommy? What's that on your toes?"
From the salon, I zipped over to Hillary's for a massage, thankful for the blank check that I had in my wallet after being too ready to pay some bills one day. I was planning to go home to nurse Nina and pick up my checkbook, but with the check and some milk leftover in the fridge, I was actually early for my appointment. My massage was great, and I have to put a plug in for Hillary as she really understands and caters to changes in one's body throughout pregnancy and the postpartum period. She gives a great massage, a fabulous prenatal massage, and has amazingly reasonable rates.
Josh picked up dinner for us, and my mom whisked Elena away to the playhouse for pool time and dinner, leaving Josh and I to eat, drink some port, snuggle, and sleep. I have to say that the latter half of my day was sorely needed--to be touched in a therapeutic and indulgent way as opposed to the touch requisite of motherhood was completely refreshing. And now off to sleep in a bed with just little Nina and me in it... time for some starfishing!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Practice Makes Better.
To get the minutia out of the way:
Yesterday was Elena's 2nd birthday, and Josh and my 4th wedding anniversary. We are not gift people, and I am happy that the feeling is mutual. I care about my loved ones tremendously, but my inherent lack of regard for receiving gifts translates into not really valuing giving gifts. I'm sure there is a remedy for that--maybe children? Josh bought Elena some Borders slashed price Play-Doh accouterment set as well as some backup sidewalk chalk... I had intended to wrap the Play-Doh thing to give to her yesterday, but it didn't happen. Maybe for Sunday's family party? If not, there's always Christmas!
Elena did "circle around the sun" at school with her friends, and showed me her birthday collage when I picked her up yesterday. She was seated at a little table with three of her classmates with three animal crackers and 6 blueberries lined up, berries in a line on top of the cookies. "I having a snack!" she told me, and made no move to get her things together to go home, so I hung with her buds. One wanted to know my name, and then told me his mom was Angela. Another told me that her cousin was her best friend, and the third kept pointing at me and saying, "Mommy!" He chimed in when Elena started singing ABCs.
We had a pasta dinner at home--penne tossed with homemade pesto and butternut squash--followed by cake at Something Sweet, complete with candle which the birthday girl tried to extinguish with her fingers, and then she tried to get as close as possible to the flame before Josh blew it out. Despite some mini-meltdowns before dinner, I'd say it was a success (and thanks to Tia Stephanie and Ibba for dropping a gift by yesterday--it kept her happily occupied for much of the evening!). Or the birthday was, at least. I think it'll take a few tries (or a few years more of our children growing up) to be able to fully celebrate Elena's birthday and our anniversary. (Hey, that actually ties in to my blog title!)
On a completely different note, I got a request to know more about pork products in infant formula, something that had been alluded to in a recent talk on breastfeeding. It appears that all formulas need some sort of enzymatic processing of the proteins (most formulas use cow's milk proteins, obviously soy and elemental formulas are different). Since most formulas are based on cow's milk, and cow's milk is NOT advised for consumption for at least the first year of life, this enzymatic breakdown is needed to aide babies in digesting the proteins. (That being said, formula causes micro-hemorrages in the intestines, leading to iron deficiency anemia, hence the addition of iron to formulas! Chew on that one a bit...) Some of those enzymes come from some yeast strain, but many (specifically trypsin from what I've read) are derived from pork. This finding is kind of gross, but if you've ever looked at the packaging for parmesan cheese and read "animal rennet", the idea is sort of the same. I love parmesan so much that I don't really care about rennet despite my not eating beef, pork, chicken.
So for many formula-using families, the pork enzyme thing isn't that big of a deal. It's observant Jews and Muslims (and those who care for those babies) that really need to be aware of this if they keep Kosher and Halal. If you are interested in reading more, here are some sites (for this last one, go to the top, click on "Food product by category", and type in "infant formula" for a nice chart). Note, though, that this processing with pork enzymes is not heavily advertised and information from formula companies is hard to come by. I think Nestle has been the most forthcoming.
**********************************
So, without further ado, here's what has got me posting.
I've been practicing yoga regularly (though in busy/pregnant times regularly might be once a week or every two weeks!) since 2000. In those 11 years, I have never had a consistent home practice. I've enjoyed zoning out, following the instruction of teachers, and floating on the energy of the others in class with me. Yoga has allowed me to simultaneously work out the kinks from my body, mind, and spirit in a way that no other practice has done. I've been incredibly grateful for the gift of yoga, and since moving to Tucson have enjoyed the connection to others that such an experience facilitates.
When pregnant with Elena, I was a Broga regular--that is short for Bruce yoga, a term coined by my clever husband and adopted by a few of my friends. Having a teacher that understands the changing needs of your body is so important, be it pregnancy, an injury, a past knee replacement. My last Broga class was on a Friday, and I delivered Elena on a Tuesday. I was back at Broga at 2 weeks postpartum, eager to test out my new body shape and get back to my old one. As I went back to work, my Broga-ing got less and less since evening classes interfered more and more with daycare pickup and family dinner time. Between Josh starting fellowship last July and wanting to be home for dinner as a family, I haven't been to Broga in months.
Nina's pregnancy was very different from Elena's, which allowed for introspection and pampering--two of my favorite things! I don't want to think about my cortisol levels during this last pregnancy, and what their potential effect could be, so let's not even go there. With Nina, I was lucky to get a practice in once every week or every two weeks, and even then it was for hour-long classes here and there which tend to whip through poses quickly in an effort to give the mostly college-aged group the biggest caloric bang for their 4 bucks. These classes are very unlike the leisurely 90 minute "intro" Broga classes that I am partial to, but they did the job in helping me clear the muck.
These mini-classes have also opened a door for me to start developing a home practice (finally!!). Yesterday I practiced for the first time since the week before Nina's birth, using a 30-minute playlist (love i-Tunes and Apple TV). I acknowledged tight rectus abdominus, hip, quad, and calf muscles along with a restricted ability for backbends. All in good time. Today I made another 30 minute play list, and was happy that my abdominal muscles were more stretched and less restrictive, and happily focused on my hips and legs.
Yesterday my intention was easy given all of our reasons to celebrate. Today I had to sit for a bit longer before deciding on one that felt fitting for the weeks to come, but I feel that if I continue to mini-practice daily, my actions will align more with this intention. Yesterday, through the mini-meltdowns of my birthday girl, I felt better able to exercise patience and am hoping that that trend will continue. Of course, if I continue to go to bed at midnight (damned Hunger Games!) and be awoken at 4 am by a baby who doesn't fall back asleep until 9, it might be a different story. But for now, my practicing is making things infinitely better.
Yesterday was Elena's 2nd birthday, and Josh and my 4th wedding anniversary. We are not gift people, and I am happy that the feeling is mutual. I care about my loved ones tremendously, but my inherent lack of regard for receiving gifts translates into not really valuing giving gifts. I'm sure there is a remedy for that--maybe children? Josh bought Elena some Borders slashed price Play-Doh accouterment set as well as some backup sidewalk chalk... I had intended to wrap the Play-Doh thing to give to her yesterday, but it didn't happen. Maybe for Sunday's family party? If not, there's always Christmas!
Elena did "circle around the sun" at school with her friends, and showed me her birthday collage when I picked her up yesterday. She was seated at a little table with three of her classmates with three animal crackers and 6 blueberries lined up, berries in a line on top of the cookies. "I having a snack!" she told me, and made no move to get her things together to go home, so I hung with her buds. One wanted to know my name, and then told me his mom was Angela. Another told me that her cousin was her best friend, and the third kept pointing at me and saying, "Mommy!" He chimed in when Elena started singing ABCs.
We had a pasta dinner at home--penne tossed with homemade pesto and butternut squash--followed by cake at Something Sweet, complete with candle which the birthday girl tried to extinguish with her fingers, and then she tried to get as close as possible to the flame before Josh blew it out. Despite some mini-meltdowns before dinner, I'd say it was a success (and thanks to Tia Stephanie and Ibba for dropping a gift by yesterday--it kept her happily occupied for much of the evening!). Or the birthday was, at least. I think it'll take a few tries (or a few years more of our children growing up) to be able to fully celebrate Elena's birthday and our anniversary. (Hey, that actually ties in to my blog title!)
On a completely different note, I got a request to know more about pork products in infant formula, something that had been alluded to in a recent talk on breastfeeding. It appears that all formulas need some sort of enzymatic processing of the proteins (most formulas use cow's milk proteins, obviously soy and elemental formulas are different). Since most formulas are based on cow's milk, and cow's milk is NOT advised for consumption for at least the first year of life, this enzymatic breakdown is needed to aide babies in digesting the proteins. (That being said, formula causes micro-hemorrages in the intestines, leading to iron deficiency anemia, hence the addition of iron to formulas! Chew on that one a bit...) Some of those enzymes come from some yeast strain, but many (specifically trypsin from what I've read) are derived from pork. This finding is kind of gross, but if you've ever looked at the packaging for parmesan cheese and read "animal rennet", the idea is sort of the same. I love parmesan so much that I don't really care about rennet despite my not eating beef, pork, chicken.
So for many formula-using families, the pork enzyme thing isn't that big of a deal. It's observant Jews and Muslims (and those who care for those babies) that really need to be aware of this if they keep Kosher and Halal. If you are interested in reading more, here are some sites (for this last one, go to the top, click on "Food product by category", and type in "infant formula" for a nice chart). Note, though, that this processing with pork enzymes is not heavily advertised and information from formula companies is hard to come by. I think Nestle has been the most forthcoming.
**********************************
So, without further ado, here's what has got me posting.
I've been practicing yoga regularly (though in busy/pregnant times regularly might be once a week or every two weeks!) since 2000. In those 11 years, I have never had a consistent home practice. I've enjoyed zoning out, following the instruction of teachers, and floating on the energy of the others in class with me. Yoga has allowed me to simultaneously work out the kinks from my body, mind, and spirit in a way that no other practice has done. I've been incredibly grateful for the gift of yoga, and since moving to Tucson have enjoyed the connection to others that such an experience facilitates.
When pregnant with Elena, I was a Broga regular--that is short for Bruce yoga, a term coined by my clever husband and adopted by a few of my friends. Having a teacher that understands the changing needs of your body is so important, be it pregnancy, an injury, a past knee replacement. My last Broga class was on a Friday, and I delivered Elena on a Tuesday. I was back at Broga at 2 weeks postpartum, eager to test out my new body shape and get back to my old one. As I went back to work, my Broga-ing got less and less since evening classes interfered more and more with daycare pickup and family dinner time. Between Josh starting fellowship last July and wanting to be home for dinner as a family, I haven't been to Broga in months.
Nina's pregnancy was very different from Elena's, which allowed for introspection and pampering--two of my favorite things! I don't want to think about my cortisol levels during this last pregnancy, and what their potential effect could be, so let's not even go there. With Nina, I was lucky to get a practice in once every week or every two weeks, and even then it was for hour-long classes here and there which tend to whip through poses quickly in an effort to give the mostly college-aged group the biggest caloric bang for their 4 bucks. These classes are very unlike the leisurely 90 minute "intro" Broga classes that I am partial to, but they did the job in helping me clear the muck.
These mini-classes have also opened a door for me to start developing a home practice (finally!!). Yesterday I practiced for the first time since the week before Nina's birth, using a 30-minute playlist (love i-Tunes and Apple TV). I acknowledged tight rectus abdominus, hip, quad, and calf muscles along with a restricted ability for backbends. All in good time. Today I made another 30 minute play list, and was happy that my abdominal muscles were more stretched and less restrictive, and happily focused on my hips and legs.
Yesterday my intention was easy given all of our reasons to celebrate. Today I had to sit for a bit longer before deciding on one that felt fitting for the weeks to come, but I feel that if I continue to mini-practice daily, my actions will align more with this intention. Yesterday, through the mini-meltdowns of my birthday girl, I felt better able to exercise patience and am hoping that that trend will continue. Of course, if I continue to go to bed at midnight (damned Hunger Games!) and be awoken at 4 am by a baby who doesn't fall back asleep until 9, it might be a different story. But for now, my practicing is making things infinitely better.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Nina at 4 weeks.
P.S.
Nina is 4 weeks old today, fully chunky cheeked though still thin thighed. Not to belabor the point of my last post, I feel guilty for not writing much about her except for the fact that she nurses a bunch--hence this post. On second thought, that's really all she does aside from sleep, but I did want to mention the following:
She started smiling (I accidentally typed "smoking"!) some time between 2 and 3 weeks, though I still only get 1-2 smiles per day. Today she seemed really content to have Elena sneak up during her nap and cover her with a burp cloth. Maybe she was pleased that the cloth was the perfect size for her little body from the neck down when oriented the long way. (Ordinarily Elena entirely covers her dolls and stuffed animals and once Nina.)
Also around 3 weeks she started being awake more during the day... and more fussy during that time. Most of the time these periods are during the day or between 10-12 at night, so my sleep has still been decent if I can turn off the computer before then.
Her hair is super soft, but very thin in the front, kind of like a man who has just begun to go bald. I tried to put a bow in her hair last week after she was mistaken for a boy twice in the same day, but due to the thin front and top, it just slid out. Note to self: red onesies = general association with boys. We went to lunch with Maya and GiGi (who looks fabulous with head bling), and our waiter said, "Oh, they'll grow up together and get married some day!" I said, "I... uh... MAYbe, though probably not in Arizona..." On the way home, I stopped to drop off Josh's dry cleaning and the woman there just went off about boys boys boys everyone is having boys (she is pregnant with a boy). Since I was just dropping off and was worn out from lunch, I just went along with it. Until she held the door open for me on the way out and asked "his" name. "Um, Nina. She's a girl. Okay, bye!"
Hope that's a decent enough update for Ellen and my mom.
Nina is 4 weeks old today, fully chunky cheeked though still thin thighed. Not to belabor the point of my last post, I feel guilty for not writing much about her except for the fact that she nurses a bunch--hence this post. On second thought, that's really all she does aside from sleep, but I did want to mention the following:
She started smiling (I accidentally typed "smoking"!) some time between 2 and 3 weeks, though I still only get 1-2 smiles per day. Today she seemed really content to have Elena sneak up during her nap and cover her with a burp cloth. Maybe she was pleased that the cloth was the perfect size for her little body from the neck down when oriented the long way. (Ordinarily Elena entirely covers her dolls and stuffed animals and once Nina.)
Also around 3 weeks she started being awake more during the day... and more fussy during that time. Most of the time these periods are during the day or between 10-12 at night, so my sleep has still been decent if I can turn off the computer before then.
Her hair is super soft, but very thin in the front, kind of like a man who has just begun to go bald. I tried to put a bow in her hair last week after she was mistaken for a boy twice in the same day, but due to the thin front and top, it just slid out. Note to self: red onesies = general association with boys. We went to lunch with Maya and GiGi (who looks fabulous with head bling), and our waiter said, "Oh, they'll grow up together and get married some day!" I said, "I... uh... MAYbe, though probably not in Arizona..." On the way home, I stopped to drop off Josh's dry cleaning and the woman there just went off about boys boys boys everyone is having boys (she is pregnant with a boy). Since I was just dropping off and was worn out from lunch, I just went along with it. Until she held the door open for me on the way out and asked "his" name. "Um, Nina. She's a girl. Okay, bye!"
Hope that's a decent enough update for Ellen and my mom.
Steeped.
That's me--totally steeped in motherhood. I don't think you can have an infant and not be completely absorbed in the world of parenting. I didn't feel "in it" to this degree when I was working--there simply wasn't enough time.
Now I spend most of my days googling things like cloth diapering (more on that later!), "milk teeth", and pork byproducts in infant formula (more on that later, too!). Okay, so that's what I googled today, but you get the picture. I think about (but don't usually) making plans with other moms with kids that are either one of my kids' ages, comment on Facebook posts by those same types of moms, join The Mom Challenge, and nurse and nurse and nurse.
With Elena, I had such mixed emotions about the end of my maternity leave. Our postpartum family bonding was so wonderful. Josh and I both had cushy years--Josh was a chief resident (think mostly admin with little clinical responsibility--an actual 9-5 job!) and I was in my integrative fellowship year (with a M-W structured time schedule--I did stuff the other time, but at my own pace). Josh was home for FOUR weeks. Four!! And none of it was vacation time, leaving those four precious weeks of vacation untouched. Four weeks of adjusting as a family, reading the Twilight series (Josh skimmed the last two books, I bagged out mid-way through the second one), snuggling and napping and mastering the baby swaddle. It was great. And the book that played such a role in savoring that time was Aviva Romm's Natural Health after Birth--if you know someone who is pregnant and even a teensy bit crunchy, this book makes a GREAT shower gift.
I'm rereading the book this time, but it's not the same. The magic is just not the same this time around. Josh had two weeks off, one of which was Elena's vacation week. (BOTH weeks had to be counted as two of his four vacation weeks this year.) We were busy busy busy that week, trying to fill the time and Elena's energy/exploration needs for the day. I feel like I've been sleep deprived since... maybe 2002 when I started med school? Late night studying, 30 hour calls, working 2 weeks straight without a day off, being on pager for 3 months at a time for pregnant patients--all of these things did not prepare me for being a mom and the sleep deprivation that comes with it. In fact, it probably put me at a disadvantage for coping with Elena's persistent nighttime wakenings (she still wakes up nightly at age 2, though now she falls back to sleep with Josh easily in her own bed).
My point in bringing up the sleep deprivation thing is to say that when you are chronically sleep deprived and working long hours, your priorities shift... or stay the same, in my case. I've never been neat around the house, and I've never liked cleaning even a fraction of how my sister feels about it. That has remained the same. Tomorrow is another day for doing things that need to be done, and the day after that, and the day after that... We've been living in shifting stacks of medical journals, unopened mail (including bills!), opened and sorted mail, things to put in Elena's baby books, a few patient lists that came home with us, etc. I've finally made some good progress with de-crapping the house, and the piles are starting to disappear. The trouble is that my to-do list has also disappeared. *Sigh* That list plus some coffee in the morning made me a super-charged mommy! Of course, I'd spend the next day in bed until 11 or 12 in the afternoon, but isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing with my maternity leave?
The change in character of this postpartum experience is not unexpected or shocking in any way given that Elena is an active 2 year old. I guess what is still the same is the presence of feeling guilty.
Guilt is a part of being a mother. That's what I've read in Camille Perl and Kate Moses' books Because I Said So and Mothers Who Think that offer a variety of issues over which to be guilt-ridden. That's the whole point of The Mom Challenge on Facebook which challenges moms to do something of the creators' choosing (crap, I was supposed to take a bubble bath or something tonight!) for themselves daily. That was a heavily discussed subject during a recent panel discussion about child care on NPR's All Things Considered.
Last time, I felt guilty about going back to work so early (6 weeks), despite the fact that any additional time would have to have been unpaid. We managed piecemeal coverage until Elena was 4 months old, which eased my guilt a bit, but kept me up at night trying to keep the schedule straight and creating more guilt in asking our families for help. Watching Elena thrive at her school makes me happy, and hearing about the purported value of preschool makes me wonder if we're getting some added benefit to all the socialization she's been exposed to since starting there.
This time I am feeling like I can't spend enough time with either child without compromising one or both of their mommy-time needs, or without compromising my own mommy-time needs. Since making the realization that I am selfish (if my own needs--which are many!--aren't met then I am not a good mommy or wife), I've really tried to prioritize my interests more. My brief but intense foray into Angry Birds caused me guilt in not being more present while nursing Nina, but really, what else are you going to do when your sleeping child isn't yet finished at the breast and you're all caught up on Facebook posts, email, bills/bank accounts and The Weather Channel? I did delete the app (which Josh downloaded!!) after being so obsessed with trying to beat a level that Elena whined, "Turn it off, Mommy, turn it off!" Yikes. Talk about guilt!
Also, if you've ever had kids or cared for them at length, you may have had fleeting to full-fledged feelings of guilt about waste. Living in the desert I think has made me more aware of the imbalance of things that are scarce and the abundance of waste that we create. So I'm using the disposable diapers that we had leftover from Elena (I bought in major bulk!), but today I started using cloth prefolds with Thirsty covers for Nina. (Thank you, Tiffany!!!) I've bought additional Medela storage bottles to increase my non-bag capacity during work pumping sessions (I was using about a bag to two bags daily since I only had three bottles... so that's about 4 days a week average x 1.5 bags average x 40 weeks Elena's first year = 240 little plastic bags...wasted!). But now I'm wrought with guilt over the fact that we bought the Playtex Drop-Ins for Elena, and they waste a sleeve with every bottle (4 bottles per day x 4 days a week x 40 weeks = 640 sleeves!). I was so tired and researched-out when making that decision that I just went with what one of our acquaintances was using. Hell, I even feel guilty for posting a link to the website!
So I'm just trying to let it go. All of it. Things like Angry Birds help, but they generally create a numb covering up as opposed to really just letting it go. Or it creates the mental space to make up really ridiculous scenarios in my own head, which isn't constructive either. Good thing I deleted the app.
Really, I am enjoying my time off with Nina, and on a day-to-day basis I don't feel horribly guilty about any one thing. But I know that there are a lot of FWKs (friends with kids), expectant moms, wishing-for-babies moms, not-yet moms, and never! moms out there who read my blog. And I will tell you that you are not alone in these feelings of guilt. But they don't have to suck the joy out of your experience. It's all in the 'tude. Guess now I need to take my own advice and restore a bit more magic to this postpartum experience!
Now I spend most of my days googling things like cloth diapering (more on that later!), "milk teeth", and pork byproducts in infant formula (more on that later, too!). Okay, so that's what I googled today, but you get the picture. I think about (but don't usually) making plans with other moms with kids that are either one of my kids' ages, comment on Facebook posts by those same types of moms, join The Mom Challenge, and nurse and nurse and nurse.
With Elena, I had such mixed emotions about the end of my maternity leave. Our postpartum family bonding was so wonderful. Josh and I both had cushy years--Josh was a chief resident (think mostly admin with little clinical responsibility--an actual 9-5 job!) and I was in my integrative fellowship year (with a M-W structured time schedule--I did stuff the other time, but at my own pace). Josh was home for FOUR weeks. Four!! And none of it was vacation time, leaving those four precious weeks of vacation untouched. Four weeks of adjusting as a family, reading the Twilight series (Josh skimmed the last two books, I bagged out mid-way through the second one), snuggling and napping and mastering the baby swaddle. It was great. And the book that played such a role in savoring that time was Aviva Romm's Natural Health after Birth--if you know someone who is pregnant and even a teensy bit crunchy, this book makes a GREAT shower gift.
I'm rereading the book this time, but it's not the same. The magic is just not the same this time around. Josh had two weeks off, one of which was Elena's vacation week. (BOTH weeks had to be counted as two of his four vacation weeks this year.) We were busy busy busy that week, trying to fill the time and Elena's energy/exploration needs for the day. I feel like I've been sleep deprived since... maybe 2002 when I started med school? Late night studying, 30 hour calls, working 2 weeks straight without a day off, being on pager for 3 months at a time for pregnant patients--all of these things did not prepare me for being a mom and the sleep deprivation that comes with it. In fact, it probably put me at a disadvantage for coping with Elena's persistent nighttime wakenings (she still wakes up nightly at age 2, though now she falls back to sleep with Josh easily in her own bed).
My point in bringing up the sleep deprivation thing is to say that when you are chronically sleep deprived and working long hours, your priorities shift... or stay the same, in my case. I've never been neat around the house, and I've never liked cleaning even a fraction of how my sister feels about it. That has remained the same. Tomorrow is another day for doing things that need to be done, and the day after that, and the day after that... We've been living in shifting stacks of medical journals, unopened mail (including bills!), opened and sorted mail, things to put in Elena's baby books, a few patient lists that came home with us, etc. I've finally made some good progress with de-crapping the house, and the piles are starting to disappear. The trouble is that my to-do list has also disappeared. *Sigh* That list plus some coffee in the morning made me a super-charged mommy! Of course, I'd spend the next day in bed until 11 or 12 in the afternoon, but isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing with my maternity leave?
The change in character of this postpartum experience is not unexpected or shocking in any way given that Elena is an active 2 year old. I guess what is still the same is the presence of feeling guilty.
Guilt is a part of being a mother. That's what I've read in Camille Perl and Kate Moses' books Because I Said So and Mothers Who Think that offer a variety of issues over which to be guilt-ridden. That's the whole point of The Mom Challenge on Facebook which challenges moms to do something of the creators' choosing (crap, I was supposed to take a bubble bath or something tonight!) for themselves daily. That was a heavily discussed subject during a recent panel discussion about child care on NPR's All Things Considered.
Last time, I felt guilty about going back to work so early (6 weeks), despite the fact that any additional time would have to have been unpaid. We managed piecemeal coverage until Elena was 4 months old, which eased my guilt a bit, but kept me up at night trying to keep the schedule straight and creating more guilt in asking our families for help. Watching Elena thrive at her school makes me happy, and hearing about the purported value of preschool makes me wonder if we're getting some added benefit to all the socialization she's been exposed to since starting there.
This time I am feeling like I can't spend enough time with either child without compromising one or both of their mommy-time needs, or without compromising my own mommy-time needs. Since making the realization that I am selfish (if my own needs--which are many!--aren't met then I am not a good mommy or wife), I've really tried to prioritize my interests more. My brief but intense foray into Angry Birds caused me guilt in not being more present while nursing Nina, but really, what else are you going to do when your sleeping child isn't yet finished at the breast and you're all caught up on Facebook posts, email, bills/bank accounts and The Weather Channel? I did delete the app (which Josh downloaded!!) after being so obsessed with trying to beat a level that Elena whined, "Turn it off, Mommy, turn it off!" Yikes. Talk about guilt!
Also, if you've ever had kids or cared for them at length, you may have had fleeting to full-fledged feelings of guilt about waste. Living in the desert I think has made me more aware of the imbalance of things that are scarce and the abundance of waste that we create. So I'm using the disposable diapers that we had leftover from Elena (I bought in major bulk!), but today I started using cloth prefolds with Thirsty covers for Nina. (Thank you, Tiffany!!!) I've bought additional Medela storage bottles to increase my non-bag capacity during work pumping sessions (I was using about a bag to two bags daily since I only had three bottles... so that's about 4 days a week average x 1.5 bags average x 40 weeks Elena's first year = 240 little plastic bags...wasted!). But now I'm wrought with guilt over the fact that we bought the Playtex Drop-Ins for Elena, and they waste a sleeve with every bottle (4 bottles per day x 4 days a week x 40 weeks = 640 sleeves!). I was so tired and researched-out when making that decision that I just went with what one of our acquaintances was using. Hell, I even feel guilty for posting a link to the website!
So I'm just trying to let it go. All of it. Things like Angry Birds help, but they generally create a numb covering up as opposed to really just letting it go. Or it creates the mental space to make up really ridiculous scenarios in my own head, which isn't constructive either. Good thing I deleted the app.
Really, I am enjoying my time off with Nina, and on a day-to-day basis I don't feel horribly guilty about any one thing. But I know that there are a lot of FWKs (friends with kids), expectant moms, wishing-for-babies moms, not-yet moms, and never! moms out there who read my blog. And I will tell you that you are not alone in these feelings of guilt. But they don't have to suck the joy out of your experience. It's all in the 'tude. Guess now I need to take my own advice and restore a bit more magic to this postpartum experience!
Monday, August 8, 2011
Everything In Its Right Place.
I was just overcome by a flurry of activity--maybe my lack of movement earlier on in the day just built up to the tornado of straightening up. Who knows. At least our bedroom doesn't look like a total disaster anymore. And really, while Elena is a (physical) home wrecker, its our lack of imagination and willingness to divert her that allows disaster to strike every room she has access to. I blame the heat, keeping us prisoner in our own humid house, but in actuality Josh and I are lazy. Made lazier by heat, that is.
Elena goes back to school tomorrow. We are SO excited, and I feel awful saying that though my guilt does not diminish my feelings of freedom. Freedom to nap without keeping one eye open to see that she's spread her clean but unpackaged diaper/insert pairs around the room. Freedom to cook a decent meal without her world collapsing because she can't have milk at that moment. Freedom to take a shower without feeling hurried by cries from the other side of the door.
This afternoon I left a bed of sleeping girls and daddy to take my first shower in a disgusting number of days. I had just about washed my hair and face when I heard Nina's chirping cry, followed a minute later by Elena's wailing. Did that stop me from shaving both my underarms and my legs? Nope. How about filing my heels? Did that, too! Josh's last week of vacation/paternity leave is this week, and I am anticipating some rough mornings getting Elena to daycare so Nina and I can relax a bit. Of course, Nina will be more awake then and therefore more demanding of my attention, so I'm getting my personal time in now.
I still have 5 outstanding notes to finish, and probably some patient tasks to tend to. That is all for tomorrow, and I think that chore deserves a fully caffeinated espresso drink. I've (mostly) been avoiding caffeine since Nina's birth on the off chance that it really would affect my milk supply. Plus I had gotten way hooked on caffeine late in my pregnancy. Nothing beyond the moderate caffeine that ACOG okay'ed, but enough to give me terrible withdrawal headaches (or maybe that was withdrawal from the 800 mg of ibuprofen I was prescribed on discharge?). Anyway, Allscripts tasks, laundry, and processing dirty diapers are on the list for tomorrow. And making sure that Nina is on our insurance so her hospital care will be covered--oops, we should have taken care of that before this weekend. Oh well. See what Elena's vacation did?
In case you were wondering, Nina's thrush got way worse, covering her tongue with a thick white coat with patches extending to the sides of her tongue, her palate, and her lip. After just a few days on nystatin (administered with an aggressive Qtip painting by Daddy), it is gone. Elena was treated as well, and I got some antifungal ointment in a base that is safe for both to eat. Since we delayed the whole insurance sign up thing, we (foolishly since Elena was being treated with the same medication and dose) paid out of pocket for Nina's medicine. Since mine was special order through the compounding pharmacy, it was $43 out of pocket. All in all, we spent about $80 treating this damned thrush, when really only Nina was affected. I guess better safe than sorry, but still... 80 bucks?
The bottom line is that I'm looking forward to organizing my life a bit more with Elena hanging out with her friends. Nina's crib is a holding area for clothes that need to be packed up for a later date, and there is a nest of papers that need sorting and shredding that has been in "the cage" (the area between our front doors--sadly, I've been locked in the cage a few times but that's another story) for way too long. You know, things like that--things that likely will not get done for another couple of weeks as I catch up on sleep with Nina while someone else watches my spirited toddler....
Elena goes back to school tomorrow. We are SO excited, and I feel awful saying that though my guilt does not diminish my feelings of freedom. Freedom to nap without keeping one eye open to see that she's spread her clean but unpackaged diaper/insert pairs around the room. Freedom to cook a decent meal without her world collapsing because she can't have milk at that moment. Freedom to take a shower without feeling hurried by cries from the other side of the door.
This afternoon I left a bed of sleeping girls and daddy to take my first shower in a disgusting number of days. I had just about washed my hair and face when I heard Nina's chirping cry, followed a minute later by Elena's wailing. Did that stop me from shaving both my underarms and my legs? Nope. How about filing my heels? Did that, too! Josh's last week of vacation/paternity leave is this week, and I am anticipating some rough mornings getting Elena to daycare so Nina and I can relax a bit. Of course, Nina will be more awake then and therefore more demanding of my attention, so I'm getting my personal time in now.
I still have 5 outstanding notes to finish, and probably some patient tasks to tend to. That is all for tomorrow, and I think that chore deserves a fully caffeinated espresso drink. I've (mostly) been avoiding caffeine since Nina's birth on the off chance that it really would affect my milk supply. Plus I had gotten way hooked on caffeine late in my pregnancy. Nothing beyond the moderate caffeine that ACOG okay'ed, but enough to give me terrible withdrawal headaches (or maybe that was withdrawal from the 800 mg of ibuprofen I was prescribed on discharge?). Anyway, Allscripts tasks, laundry, and processing dirty diapers are on the list for tomorrow. And making sure that Nina is on our insurance so her hospital care will be covered--oops, we should have taken care of that before this weekend. Oh well. See what Elena's vacation did?
In case you were wondering, Nina's thrush got way worse, covering her tongue with a thick white coat with patches extending to the sides of her tongue, her palate, and her lip. After just a few days on nystatin (administered with an aggressive Qtip painting by Daddy), it is gone. Elena was treated as well, and I got some antifungal ointment in a base that is safe for both to eat. Since we delayed the whole insurance sign up thing, we (foolishly since Elena was being treated with the same medication and dose) paid out of pocket for Nina's medicine. Since mine was special order through the compounding pharmacy, it was $43 out of pocket. All in all, we spent about $80 treating this damned thrush, when really only Nina was affected. I guess better safe than sorry, but still... 80 bucks?
The bottom line is that I'm looking forward to organizing my life a bit more with Elena hanging out with her friends. Nina's crib is a holding area for clothes that need to be packed up for a later date, and there is a nest of papers that need sorting and shredding that has been in "the cage" (the area between our front doors--sadly, I've been locked in the cage a few times but that's another story) for way too long. You know, things like that--things that likely will not get done for another couple of weeks as I catch up on sleep with Nina while someone else watches my spirited toddler....
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Learning Off The Job.
On my pediatrics rotation in med school I heard the phrase, "Being a parent makes you a better doctor, but being a doctor does not make you a better parent." True!
Nina has already had two common infant rashes--she was born with pustular melanosis, most of which resolved in the first 24 hours after birth save the "freckles" left behind by the pustules. I don't think I've seen this in the pustular phase before, or at least to this severity. Shortly thereafter (as in day of life #2) she developed quite the case of erythema toxicum which is fading fast as well. She also had some tongue tie that I didn't want to wait on becoming problematic. I've become a little like the tongue tie police in the nursery and in the clinic--early intervention on problematic ankyloglossia is so satisfying. That being said, I think I would have advised me to wait since Nina wasn't having issues nor was I. That being said, once I snipped her frenulum (in the office, not at home! and only because her provider that day hadn't done one before!) it did seem to me that her latched changed for the better. Who knows. I just didn't want to have to worry, go back for a weight check, potentially watch my kid turn into a pumpkin from jaundice, and so on and so on...
And now Nina has quite the case of thrush. I guess it's not that bad--it's just over her tongue (I think), but she's such a little rooter that I see her tongue and the little white patches ALL the time. Here's where the intro statement is totally true, and even reeks of physicians sometimes having their parental decision-making impaired (er, maybe the tongue tie thing fits in there, too). Instead of e-mailing or calling my colleague who is the girl's doctor, I re-research what I think I've read about thrush. Common in newborns, doesn't have to necessarily be treated unless baby or mom is having symptoms. So I sprinkled some Culturelle (Lactobacillus GG) probiotic on my nipple before nursing to help it clear up faster and minimize the chance of me catching it as well. Hey, Dr. Sears says that's okay, so I'm doing it. I've also guilted myself into e-mailing Colleen.
And poor Elena's little cold now has a cough to go along with her raspy voice, and she has a fever. I might check her ears tomorrow, just to make sure there's no infection brewing. Is this too much DIY? We roll our eyes in ERs, urgent cares, and the office when parents come in with a 10 year old who has a cold and a mild fever that has resolved--hasn't this happened tons of times before to your kid? They'll be fine! I just don't know if I'm striking the right balance between trying to minimize unnecessary medical care and treating my kids beyond what a normal mom would do. Medical people with kids, speak up. Am I alone, or are you struggling, too?
Nina has already had two common infant rashes--she was born with pustular melanosis, most of which resolved in the first 24 hours after birth save the "freckles" left behind by the pustules. I don't think I've seen this in the pustular phase before, or at least to this severity. Shortly thereafter (as in day of life #2) she developed quite the case of erythema toxicum which is fading fast as well. She also had some tongue tie that I didn't want to wait on becoming problematic. I've become a little like the tongue tie police in the nursery and in the clinic--early intervention on problematic ankyloglossia is so satisfying. That being said, I think I would have advised me to wait since Nina wasn't having issues nor was I. That being said, once I snipped her frenulum (in the office, not at home! and only because her provider that day hadn't done one before!) it did seem to me that her latched changed for the better. Who knows. I just didn't want to have to worry, go back for a weight check, potentially watch my kid turn into a pumpkin from jaundice, and so on and so on...
And now Nina has quite the case of thrush. I guess it's not that bad--it's just over her tongue (I think), but she's such a little rooter that I see her tongue and the little white patches ALL the time. Here's where the intro statement is totally true, and even reeks of physicians sometimes having their parental decision-making impaired (er, maybe the tongue tie thing fits in there, too). Instead of e-mailing or calling my colleague who is the girl's doctor, I re-research what I think I've read about thrush. Common in newborns, doesn't have to necessarily be treated unless baby or mom is having symptoms. So I sprinkled some Culturelle (Lactobacillus GG) probiotic on my nipple before nursing to help it clear up faster and minimize the chance of me catching it as well. Hey, Dr. Sears says that's okay, so I'm doing it. I've also guilted myself into e-mailing Colleen.
And poor Elena's little cold now has a cough to go along with her raspy voice, and she has a fever. I might check her ears tomorrow, just to make sure there's no infection brewing. Is this too much DIY? We roll our eyes in ERs, urgent cares, and the office when parents come in with a 10 year old who has a cold and a mild fever that has resolved--hasn't this happened tons of times before to your kid? They'll be fine! I just don't know if I'm striking the right balance between trying to minimize unnecessary medical care and treating my kids beyond what a normal mom would do. Medical people with kids, speak up. Am I alone, or are you struggling, too?
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