Here are miscellaneous things that didn't fit with my previous post from today:
I am a total domestic goddess. Or at least I was towards the end of my maternity leave. I made my own brown sugar. Did you even know brown sugar could be made? Just whisk some molasses in with granulated sugar. Domino, you are effed!
I have been obsessed with pumkin lately, and highly recommend making muffins and/or syrup for your coffee/espresso. The pumpkin bread recipe (for muffins, bake for 20 minutes) comes from Isa Chandra's blog. Isa is a goddess in the vegan cooking/baking world (worlds? they are so different, yet so much the same), and if Isa says something tastes good, you listen, no matter what you eat or don't eat. So check out her blog. I've been OBSESSED with it lately.
And the Charlie's soap is working out fabulously--our Fuzzi Bunz are now residue free, and Nina fits into them, and Elena is potty trained (daytime). The cloth diapers leaked too much, and I never mastered the technique, so on to the FBs!! We had size 2 diapers left over--I bought in major bulk with Elena to get free shipping--but Nina sped through them so quickly that I ended up bringing 3 cases (one pack shy of 3 cases) to the diaper bank yesterday.
Total switcheroo.
I went to visit one of my patients today. She's in inpatient hospice, which sucks, since obviously it means she'll die soon. I'm going to call her "J". I don't think she'll mind. J is a New Yorker, born and raised in Brooklyn, with an accent to show for it. The first time she opened her mouth, I felt like I was home. I get all nostalgic when I see east coast transplants in the clinic, and then get a little self conscious about my neutral accent which features ending "g"s and "r"s. (I can't really master the whole "or" sound in words like orange and Florida... I just don't know if I'm doing it right.)
Anyway, J has always been one of what I consider to be my VIPs. My VIPs are patients with whom I have great continuity because we both love seeing one another. She is the type of elderly woman I hope I become in terms of attitude--she's grounded (realizes the futility in being "full code"), loves her family (talks about her grandson all the time), and is totally engaged in the outside world. Nina and I went to see her today, and I think we tuckered her out. Crazy how just having a 15 minute conversation can do that--the body is both resilient and frail.
I asked J if she believed in heaven, and when she answered yes, I asked if she was excited to see her husband again, who died 27 years ago. "Yes," she answered, "And my mother." I got all choked up as I looked down at little Nina Bean, all snuggled up onto my chest, so secure in the blanket of her mommy's love.
I hope there is a heaven, and that J is greeted by her mother and husband. If she doesn't make it there by Sunday, I'll go visit again.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Lunch is the New Dinner.
I started this entry last week, and it was titled, "My last day of summer vacation." The theme is the same, thankfully. What I had written is as follows (edited only a teensy bit):
I've really enjoyed my time off, and wish I had more of it. I've loved being home with Nina, prepping healthy dinners before picking Elena up, and even trying my hand at baking. Actually, I had thought to title this blog differently and discuss my emergence as the newest Domestic Goddess. Since so much of my domestic rein has been associated with a specific food blog, that theme will have to revisited in the near future.
This postpartum time around, however, my enjoyment in being away not only stems from connecting with my baby, but also in connecting with other women, many of whom are moms as well. The cliques of high school don't end there, but really continue through life. By senior year of high school, deeper divides start to form: going to college vs. not going to college. Those who attend college often see the same cliques forming as in high school, but following graduation the differences deepen with the still in school vs. working groups. A few years down the road, friendships often fork at the married vs. single juncture. A few years after that is the kids vs. no kids--this one is huge and deserves a book. Divorce, widowhood, remarriage, retirement, financial hardships, and so on are all major life changes that place us in different groups.
(Okay, that is as far as I got, and I think it was a bit of a tangent, but I thought it was interesting to consider and have left it as is, but will not explore that theme further.)
Back to connecting with people. I lived on a dead end street growing up, with lots of families with kids around the same ages. It was idyllic in many ways, really. Riding bikes, playing "teenagers" and "aquarium" in our backyard, playing manhunt or tag, and so on and so on. I loved it. And I loved being the only girl (my sister and Melanie were the other girls, both five years younger than me and not so much involved in some of the Ferncrest goings on until later). But come late elementary/middle school, I became really sad. Crossing Smith Street for anything other than cheap candy and waiting for the bus were forbidded for my early bike-riding years, which meant alienation from all the kids who lived along Fruit Hill. Maybe I'm dramatizing the situation a bit, but there were girl pairs/trios who grew up together all over: Lisa and Carly, Corinne and Amy, Amy and Lauren, Becky and Val, and so on. I didn't have a girl pair, and frankly, it sucked. I mean, being part of the Sensational Six was great, but I missed out on the day everyone got their matching bracelets and went to the movies. *sigh*
Anyway, moving on, the Sensational Six (I know, just let it go, but bear with me) was really my last group of girlfriends, and that was elementary school. I've been lucky enough to have some especially fabulous female friendships in my life, but they total three. Four if you count my sister, which I don't, because I just take that one for granted (sort of--I'm acknowledging how much I appreciate her friendship though in actuality she has no choice but to be my bestie). I've also been horrible at keeping in touch with people over the years, which doesn't help matters.
After five years in Tucson, I finally feel like I have a little group of girlfriends, and it's lovely. I'm so thankful that those who have moved have returned, and those that considered leaving have stayed. I am grateful for having an amazing job in which I feel supported personally and professionally, and one that allows me time to cultivate these relatively new friendships. And I'm also happy that some of my friends have kids around the same ages as mine--it's been so helpful to me to vent, compare notes, share stories, etc.
As I've been sucked into mom-dom, our dinners out have become scant, and I can't remember the last time we met people out for cocktails sans kids. Dinner and drinks were a big part of our pre-kids social life (second place = brunch and drinks, many times at our house), but now most of my socializing happens at lunch while Josh is at work (sucker). Yes, lunch is the new dinner in my world. So ladies, let's do lunch.
I've really enjoyed my time off, and wish I had more of it. I've loved being home with Nina, prepping healthy dinners before picking Elena up, and even trying my hand at baking. Actually, I had thought to title this blog differently and discuss my emergence as the newest Domestic Goddess. Since so much of my domestic rein has been associated with a specific food blog, that theme will have to revisited in the near future.
This postpartum time around, however, my enjoyment in being away not only stems from connecting with my baby, but also in connecting with other women, many of whom are moms as well. The cliques of high school don't end there, but really continue through life. By senior year of high school, deeper divides start to form: going to college vs. not going to college. Those who attend college often see the same cliques forming as in high school, but following graduation the differences deepen with the still in school vs. working groups. A few years down the road, friendships often fork at the married vs. single juncture. A few years after that is the kids vs. no kids--this one is huge and deserves a book. Divorce, widowhood, remarriage, retirement, financial hardships, and so on are all major life changes that place us in different groups.
(Okay, that is as far as I got, and I think it was a bit of a tangent, but I thought it was interesting to consider and have left it as is, but will not explore that theme further.)
Back to connecting with people. I lived on a dead end street growing up, with lots of families with kids around the same ages. It was idyllic in many ways, really. Riding bikes, playing "teenagers" and "aquarium" in our backyard, playing manhunt or tag, and so on and so on. I loved it. And I loved being the only girl (my sister and Melanie were the other girls, both five years younger than me and not so much involved in some of the Ferncrest goings on until later). But come late elementary/middle school, I became really sad. Crossing Smith Street for anything other than cheap candy and waiting for the bus were forbidded for my early bike-riding years, which meant alienation from all the kids who lived along Fruit Hill. Maybe I'm dramatizing the situation a bit, but there were girl pairs/trios who grew up together all over: Lisa and Carly, Corinne and Amy, Amy and Lauren, Becky and Val, and so on. I didn't have a girl pair, and frankly, it sucked. I mean, being part of the Sensational Six was great, but I missed out on the day everyone got their matching bracelets and went to the movies. *sigh*
Anyway, moving on, the Sensational Six (I know, just let it go, but bear with me) was really my last group of girlfriends, and that was elementary school. I've been lucky enough to have some especially fabulous female friendships in my life, but they total three. Four if you count my sister, which I don't, because I just take that one for granted (sort of--I'm acknowledging how much I appreciate her friendship though in actuality she has no choice but to be my bestie). I've also been horrible at keeping in touch with people over the years, which doesn't help matters.
After five years in Tucson, I finally feel like I have a little group of girlfriends, and it's lovely. I'm so thankful that those who have moved have returned, and those that considered leaving have stayed. I am grateful for having an amazing job in which I feel supported personally and professionally, and one that allows me time to cultivate these relatively new friendships. And I'm also happy that some of my friends have kids around the same ages as mine--it's been so helpful to me to vent, compare notes, share stories, etc.
As I've been sucked into mom-dom, our dinners out have become scant, and I can't remember the last time we met people out for cocktails sans kids. Dinner and drinks were a big part of our pre-kids social life (second place = brunch and drinks, many times at our house), but now most of my socializing happens at lunch while Josh is at work (sucker). Yes, lunch is the new dinner in my world. So ladies, let's do lunch.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
On Loss
This weekend I went to a gathering to honor the life of the husband of a coworker. Donna is beautiful, from the inside out, and it was great to see pictures of her and her husband over the years at their home. They built their house, and have the pictures to prove it. Its unique architecture and location on the outskirts of town were balanced with a distinct grounding energy and decor on the inside, and I inwardly giggled as she gave me the tour of "where it all began" (a single small room in the center of the ground floor which years ago housed their family bed).
Our workplace seems to have been hit with tragedies this year--we lost a coworker early in the year who was in her 40s, and another coworker's husband also passed suddenly a couple of months ago. It was interesting, albeit heartbreaking, to see the difference between my two coworkers' grief on Sunday. "So now you know where I am. Now you know the way," I overheard Donna say with a comforting smile to her fellow widow who was struggling to keep the tears from falling. How odd that Donna was the one doing the comforting on the day of her own husband's memorial service, but I suppose fitting given her nurturing nature and the peace that she and her husband had made with his long illness.
As I was leaving her home, Donna reflected on Craig's death, which comes as her youngest child of four is preparing to move out of the house they constructed together. "It's a shame that now at this point in our lives our time was cut short," she said. She was wistful, deeply saddened, but accepting of the situation in a way. Just over a week ago I watched my brother and his new wife vow to honor each other in sickness and in health. My aunt, Neil's godmother, was also in attendance, but must have been missing her own partner who was thankfully successfully weathering a long 3-weeks that included a significant amount of time intubated in the ICU. My cousin's husband was also absent from the wedding as his family rallied to support his mother at the end of her battle with cancer.
When thinking of all the sickness and eventual death that affects us all, I can't help but think that in vowing to stick by your partner till the bitter end, we have no idea what we're getting into. I had no idea what it would be like to have two children with a man who is in his sixth year of training (one and maybe two more to go!), but I'm learning that it's hard. Hopefully he will choose a path and a job that allows for flexibility enough to enjoy this healthy time in our lives. Life is too short to spend working or being too busy to really be present with the ones you love.
So hug everyone a bit tighter tonight, and tell them you love them. Its not always easy to appreciate what we have today, but it certainly makes life sweeter in the end.
Our workplace seems to have been hit with tragedies this year--we lost a coworker early in the year who was in her 40s, and another coworker's husband also passed suddenly a couple of months ago. It was interesting, albeit heartbreaking, to see the difference between my two coworkers' grief on Sunday. "So now you know where I am. Now you know the way," I overheard Donna say with a comforting smile to her fellow widow who was struggling to keep the tears from falling. How odd that Donna was the one doing the comforting on the day of her own husband's memorial service, but I suppose fitting given her nurturing nature and the peace that she and her husband had made with his long illness.
As I was leaving her home, Donna reflected on Craig's death, which comes as her youngest child of four is preparing to move out of the house they constructed together. "It's a shame that now at this point in our lives our time was cut short," she said. She was wistful, deeply saddened, but accepting of the situation in a way. Just over a week ago I watched my brother and his new wife vow to honor each other in sickness and in health. My aunt, Neil's godmother, was also in attendance, but must have been missing her own partner who was thankfully successfully weathering a long 3-weeks that included a significant amount of time intubated in the ICU. My cousin's husband was also absent from the wedding as his family rallied to support his mother at the end of her battle with cancer.
When thinking of all the sickness and eventual death that affects us all, I can't help but think that in vowing to stick by your partner till the bitter end, we have no idea what we're getting into. I had no idea what it would be like to have two children with a man who is in his sixth year of training (one and maybe two more to go!), but I'm learning that it's hard. Hopefully he will choose a path and a job that allows for flexibility enough to enjoy this healthy time in our lives. Life is too short to spend working or being too busy to really be present with the ones you love.
So hug everyone a bit tighter tonight, and tell them you love them. Its not always easy to appreciate what we have today, but it certainly makes life sweeter in the end.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Nina and the Butterfly.
I am in RI, alone with the girls, until Josh comes to join me tomorrow. Night #1 was hellacious trying to get both girls down to sleep, but last night was total sweetness. As I lay sandwiched between Elena and Nina, a deep gratitude washed over me. Feeling Elena's deep and even breath against my back with Nina's quick and staggered baby breaths in front of me was utterly peaceful. And then I had to ruin it by getting out of bed to wash off my Auntie El face and brush my teeth.
Last weekend our family marked Nina's entry to the world with a welcoming ceremony. Another little being was honored, as well, and I like to think of them as being forever linked. An old friend gave birth to a beautiful baby girl back in January of this year, a delivery whose complications left baby Sofia with irreparable brain damage. On Valentine's Day, Sofia's parents finally took Sofia home to the room they had so lovingly prepared for her, and said goodbye to their long-awaited daughter.
I have thought of Sofia, Lori, and Mike daily since learning of Sofia's birth, concentrating my heart and mind on that little warrior, sending many prayers and healing thoughts her way. When choosing Nina's name, I couldn't help but think of Sofia and notice how lovely her name sounded following Nina. Thankfully, Lori gave me permission use Sofia's name. All of Lori's friends know that 8i8 is a tiny butterfly, a sign from Sofia to all who are open that her spirit lives on. I had thought to ask one of my nieces to bring a butterfly-themed piece of jewelry to Nina's ceremony, but that thought had gotten lost. While my parents were out doing errands, I asked my mom to pick up a candle to light in Sofia's honor at the start of the ceremony. In fact, I didn't really tell her what I intended to use the candle for, and certainly hadn't shared the butterfly significance. My parents got back to our house after their errands, and I wandered out to find a white candle adorned with a simple brown butterfly.
Nina's welcoming, like Elena's, was pretty free-flowing and spontaneous. I have recently been sharing a little pearl from a colleague with anyone who will listen--when I expressed sadness over not putting more thought into Elena's welcoming ceremony, she replied, "Well that just means it'll be spontaneous, which means it has to come from the heart." What a great sentiment and comfort to two parents who are always flying by the seat of their pants.
I scurried to find some nugget of a wish for Nina, and came up with Izumi Shikibu's Watching the Moon. I had heard a piece on NPR regarding the personality of second children, and how often when there are older children in the family, the younger ones either subconsciously or with awareness make their own place in the family by being "different" from the other child(ren). My sister, in her words of wisdom, told Nina that being the little sister allows you to learn from the older one's mistakes in doing things the hard way (and also in how to "get away with things"!). So my wish for Nina is that learn from Elena, but also have the confidence and insight to know her true self with the clarity of Shikibu's poem:
Last weekend our family marked Nina's entry to the world with a welcoming ceremony. Another little being was honored, as well, and I like to think of them as being forever linked. An old friend gave birth to a beautiful baby girl back in January of this year, a delivery whose complications left baby Sofia with irreparable brain damage. On Valentine's Day, Sofia's parents finally took Sofia home to the room they had so lovingly prepared for her, and said goodbye to their long-awaited daughter.
I have thought of Sofia, Lori, and Mike daily since learning of Sofia's birth, concentrating my heart and mind on that little warrior, sending many prayers and healing thoughts her way. When choosing Nina's name, I couldn't help but think of Sofia and notice how lovely her name sounded following Nina. Thankfully, Lori gave me permission use Sofia's name. All of Lori's friends know that 8i8 is a tiny butterfly, a sign from Sofia to all who are open that her spirit lives on. I had thought to ask one of my nieces to bring a butterfly-themed piece of jewelry to Nina's ceremony, but that thought had gotten lost. While my parents were out doing errands, I asked my mom to pick up a candle to light in Sofia's honor at the start of the ceremony. In fact, I didn't really tell her what I intended to use the candle for, and certainly hadn't shared the butterfly significance. My parents got back to our house after their errands, and I wandered out to find a white candle adorned with a simple brown butterfly.
Nina's welcoming, like Elena's, was pretty free-flowing and spontaneous. I have recently been sharing a little pearl from a colleague with anyone who will listen--when I expressed sadness over not putting more thought into Elena's welcoming ceremony, she replied, "Well that just means it'll be spontaneous, which means it has to come from the heart." What a great sentiment and comfort to two parents who are always flying by the seat of their pants.
I scurried to find some nugget of a wish for Nina, and came up with Izumi Shikibu's Watching the Moon. I had heard a piece on NPR regarding the personality of second children, and how often when there are older children in the family, the younger ones either subconsciously or with awareness make their own place in the family by being "different" from the other child(ren). My sister, in her words of wisdom, told Nina that being the little sister allows you to learn from the older one's mistakes in doing things the hard way (and also in how to "get away with things"!). So my wish for Nina is that learn from Elena, but also have the confidence and insight to know her true self with the clarity of Shikibu's poem:
Watching the moon
at midnight,
solitary, mid-sky,
I knew myself completely,
no part left out.
at midnight,
solitary, mid-sky,
I knew myself completely,
no part left out.
Lying in bed last night between my daughters, I knew myself completely as a mother. Again I thought of Lori. I am pretty sure she will birth another child and I imagined her snuggling that baby, the rapid, uneven breaths of an infant. As I felt Elena's warm little body against mine, I thought of how Lori might sense an emptiness at her back. Just as quickly, I realized that supposition was completely incorrect. Surely there will be a fullness at her back, warm and glowing, with the life that was and the spirit that lives on.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Woman of the Cloth.
Cloth diapers, that is.
If you are new to cloth diapering, or if you have grown children and you cloth diapered, please be aware that cloth diapers have evolved at light speed over recent years. My go-to cloth diapering website is Green Mountain Diapers which is comprehensive in regards to discussing different types of diapers and how to care for them, as well as selling the diapers and accessories for proper care. If you are interested, go to the site and bookmark it for safekeeping. I found them initially when searching for a DIY explanation for a diaper sprayer after being too cheap to buy the ones sold by the cloth diaper companies. (I probably spent just as much, maybe a little less, but oh, the *satisfaction* of a DIY sprayer!)
When pregnant with Elena, I thought cloth diapers were all about a triangular piece of cloth with those big diaper pins. I thought of diaper services--any type of service implies speaking to someone on the phone or in person and then paying for it, and that didn't appeal to my shy nor my frugal side (Josh still teases me about my reluctance to order a pizza years ago). A friend of mine from college, however, told me about gDiapers, which have flushable inserts. I watched the video, which of course makes using gDiapers look as easy as wiping your own bum, and thought, "I could do this..." I asked a colleague from the integrative medicine fellowship about gDiapers. She was cloth diapering, and replied, "I just feel like if you're going to cloth diaper, you should go all the way." She didn't like the flushing, I guess. I can't remember if I asked her which diapers she used, or how the conversation got started... I think I posted a random Facebook question about cloth diapering and went from there.
One friend offered to send me her Bumkins all-in-ones, which I gladly accepted. Someone had mentioned BumGenius, and I thought the name was clever--besides, who wouldn't prefer baby products bearing the word "genius"? I bought one to try, and liked it, but asked the Facebook world for more guidance. Another friend (Melissa) professed her undying love for FuzziBunz, which I'll admit I put on the back burner temporarily because I am that fastidious when it comes to spelling and grammar (though I know my grammar isn't always perfect.... as Josh reminds me every chance he gets!). I read a bunch of reviews on either Babies R Us or Amazon, and decided to trust my friend's devotion to FuzziBunz because in the meantime I wasn't super impressed with the all-in-ones, and I could see where reviewers were coming from with the velcro on the BumGenius having the potential to deteriorate.
I also now love FuzziBunz. These things are so easy. They a super branch off point in the cloth diapering evolutionary tree: The Pocket Diaper. But I messed up. I should have fully followed Melissa's advice, but I didn't. Melissa advised washing the diapers only in either Charlie's Soap or Allens Soap. To my credit, I did go downtown to The Co-op, but couldn't find either of the aforementioned soaps. My "mommy-brain" must have been mom-i-fied in full effect, because it didn't occur to me to look online to purchase either. Maybe I was too impatient. Or maybe I was too offset by price because Charlie's is sold in bulk, and I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that I would have saved a bunch by buying it in the first place. Instead, I did the best I thought I could in the moment and purchased some biodegradable eco-friendly stuff. I didn't really understand the importance of residues left behind by other detergents, but after our inserts got funkdified, I am well aware of the residues and the stank-havoc they wreak.
So I am awaiting my delivery of Charlie's. I hope good old Charlie can solve all my problems, though I've been losing sleep over the fact that it doesn't work that well in hard water. Apparently we live in a zone that has "moderately hard water". But, hey. Charlie has a product for that! I'll keep you all posted as to how well it works for us--I'm waiting to see if we can get away without the booster.
Well, I got my cloth diapering world rocked by Tiffany and Michele. We went to FuzziBunz when Elena was around 7 months--after solids were introduced and the poops weren't runny anymore. (Yet another friend had helped me to justify disposables by saying that breastfed baby poop made cloth diapering messy.) Tiffany and Michele cloth diapered from the get-go, using refolds. Tiffany got me started with some Thirsties covers (and OMG--I just realized they now have an owl print cover!!! I *need* that!) and Snappis, but I stalled on getting the cloth inserts... Honestly, aren't you a little overwhelmed at the above information? The thought of learning a new system with a newborn and toddler who is still in diapers was just a little prohibitive. But I ordered the cloth prefolds, and then went buck wild and bought a lot of other stuff that the woman who runs the Green Mountain Diapers website recommended.
Let me just say, I got my cloth-diapering butt kicked. I am a complete novice when it comes to prefolds. I think Josh has done it twice--once with me explaining/showing him how to use the prefold/Snappi combination, and then a second time only because he couldn't find the new box of disposable diapers that was hiding in the closet. So here I am, once again debating whether or not I've pushed things too far trying spare the landfills. Please, cloth diapering moms, tell me prefolds get easier. And did I get the right size? They seem a little long for her, but not wide enough. Am I not pushing the limits of the Snappi? It seems like sometimes they're almost digging into the tops of Nina's thighs.
Just when I thought I had understood both infant feeding AND pooping...
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